Attacked By Bees

 It was a strange weekend morning and there was something that just was out of balance. I had my ordinary weekend chores list but right from the beginning of the day I felt a sense of evil closing in and around me. The sea was angry that day like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli but who am I kidding this has nothing to do with the sea. It has more to do with my yard and the evil invasion that had taken place the night before. I decided to ignore the feelings of imbalance and cheerfully embarked on the 30 minute adventure to mow my grass. About 25 pulls at the mower, she fired right up and we got jiggy with the mowing in no time. Upon completion I was ready to tidy up and sweep some of the grass clippings from the sidewalk area that leads to the garage. From my vantage point near the garage I noticed some activity around an area in the grass that is approximately 3 feet away from my neighbor's garage. Bumble bees the size of small figs were darting in and out of a hole in the ground and bringing food back and forth to the queen mother. My finely trimmed yard and homeland had been invaded overnight by buzzing yellow devils with stingers and bad attitudes. The uninvited guests had initiated actions that I could not ignore because it was my duty to protect my family and the homeland. I immediately declared war and started to strategize my military response tactics. I had watched many military movies and a few episodes of Police Woman with Angie Dickinson so I was confident that in this war I would prevail victorious. I quickly changed into my combat attire for protection.
A Ted Nugent styled hat, my protective rec specs and the powerful threaded bonds of my Chicago Bears shirt would serve me well for the battle that day. This is my battle uniform of the day.

I also was equipped with a powerful arsenal of domestic household items that would assist me in defeating the yellow and black menace. The greatest and most powerful force within my arsenal was my green shop vac which would be transformed into the Fishman 5000. My initial strategic attack was a plan to take my shop vac over to the entrance hole in the ground and suck the bees into a whirlwind of terror one by one as they entered or exited the hole. This strategy proved to be ineffective as I soon learned that I had underestimated the resourcefulness of my now agitated enemy.
I encountered three main problems during my attack on the bee village. #1, it was mid morning and several of the bees had left the nest in search of food. As I approached the underground hive with the full force of the shop vac the bees rerturned in waves back to defend the nest. #2, I was limited in my assault because the length of the shop vac hose left me too close to the attacking bees and their wicked fury. #3, Upon closer examination my research intelligence indicated that there was more than one hole in the ground. The bees were able to enter or exit from 4 different command posts and now were agitated into full scale alert status. I was unable to manuever the shop vac fast enough to cover the rapid exits and entrances of waves of bees from multiple locations. The battle diagram below illustrates the battle field, my potential escape routes, and the area that was now to be considered as " THE AXIS of EVIL ".

I decided that the shop vac needed some technical improvements. A quick review of the contents of my garage ( munitions supply center) and I found a 6 foot dowel rod that I could use with the shop vac. I secured the dowel rod to the shop vac hose and now I was able to manuever the end of the hose from a safe distance away from the swarming bees. This additional feature greatly improved the funcionality of the everyday shop vac and eventually led to the naming of the " Fishman 5000 ". I have attached a photo for your review along with a photo of some more primitive bee collection devices that are currently being sold as
the "Fishman 1000" available in either pink or blue.

The Fishman 1000 is not as efficient as the upgraded 5000 model but with the proper technique can be used to capture bees. I also found some small pieces of metal tubing that I stuffed with newspaper to block the hollow openings. I used the metal tubing as a ram rod to close off the exit holes one by one and eventually had all the holes blocked off except one. I have included a picture below of the tubing as it was placed into the ground. This left me with one hole to focus on with the Fishman 5000 adapter and I could pick off the bees one by one as they emerged from the hole.

No longer was the  "AXIS of EVIL" any kind of threat. The battle continued for hours but eventually I emerged victorious and my yard and home could once again be considered a "Bee free zone".

My only continuing problem is my dilemma with the Fishman 5000.

Does anyone want to buy a shop vac that is loaded with 3,000 angry bumble bees ?

Mission Accomplished
Your General and C.O.