Protect Your Happy Dome

Some experts claim that it is easier to illustrate a concept or idea more completely by using diagrams and pictures than the use of words alone. In an effort to support scientific advancements and intellectual commentary I wholeheartedly support the use of diagrams, symbols, and visual linkages as a tool in communicating through this website. The first theme to be conveyed is the repsonsibility that a person has to

" Protect Your Happy Dome ".

The "Fun Haters" are an evil group of pirate like entities that surround us in our daily lives. They love nothing better than to ruin your party, piss in your cheerios, or rob you of your rights to fun and enjoyment. They think that everything must be completely void of anything fun. In their world there is no sunshine. There is no

laughter. There is nothing fun about work or people, and no episodes of Seinfeld. They have one purpose only and that is to enter your Happy Dome and infect it with their poisonous venom of doom.

Do not be afraid of the fun haters as they cannot penetrate the walls of your Happy Dome without your permission. It is your obligation to act as the gatekeeper that guards your inner sanctum. You must watch at all times and turn away the fun haters at each and every opportunity. Their only chance at survival is to gain entry into the Happy Dome where they will gradually pick away at your beliefs, your happiness, and your

contentment.

Happy Halloween to all of you as you defend your Happy Dome of Life.

The Farmer's Employment Policy - Finding Good Employees

There is something wrong with the current status of the employment pool. Quality workers are hard to find and it is becoming more and more evident that the situation is going to gradually get worse. I am not looking for the best and brightest candidates but there is a minimal level of acceptance to be used in considering someone to be a "quality" candidate. Here are some of my basic requirements for finding a decent part time employee.

• Good Communication Skills -- Know how to talk on the phone professionally, leave an informative message, ask relevent questions, and listen to the answers.
• Good Hygiene / Proper Attire -- Don't expect me to overlook your disrespect for the job if you do not dress appropriately or the fact that you cannot bath before the interview.
• Arrive on Time -- Don't give me the excuses for being late during your 1st interview.
• Be prepared for the interview questions -- where did you work before ?, why is this job of interest ?
• What are your qualifications ?

I get calls from people that do not even know which ad they are responding to when they call. Very often the question is " How much does it pay and where do I apply ?". This does not help you get the job. I also have the frustration of explaining the job and the procedure to apply and then the job candidate does not follow through and never comes in.

In discussing my frustrations in hiring good employees a friend of mine shared his own hiring policy that he will use in his next career. He decided that he was getting tired of the 9 to 5 daily grind and the stress involved with relying on too many unreliable employees. So he was making plans on becoming a Farmer.
As a Farmer his employment hiring practice was as follows:

He was going to hire a cow, a chicken, and a pig. He was going to give each of them a job assignment to carry out. If any of these employees did not do their job or complained in any way then he was going to shoot them and eat them for dinner. What a brilliant management tool !!! .......

Body Art -- Ear Gauges ???

I never have understood the big deal with body art, piercings, and ear gauges. I understand the part of this that relates to tribal customs, and the rituals of various groups of people. In those instances it seems more authentic and established as a part of their way of life. I do not understand the desire of people that want to imitate the rituals and authentic customs in order to look cool or different.

What is the thinking process that is involved with the decision to cut a hole in your ear and hang some metal

ornaments in the hole ? " Hey look at me, I am a big decoration and I need some attention from you". "You should cut a hole in your ears too and we can walk around together and scare people." 

That thinking process might be working because those people certainly scare me.

I have a few ideas for those people who are starting to feel like jumping on the "ear-hole punching" bandwagon. If you feel the need to be all pretty and decorated why not try a few of these ideas to attach to the holes in your head, or your nipples if you are crazy enough:

• Christmas Lights in Winter and Sparklers in July
• Fishing Lures --- A grim reaper muskie lure would look great in early October.
• A set of Jumper cables -- for emergency purposes.
• A matching set of lawn sprinklers to keep yourself moist.
• Tonka Trucks or John Deere Tractors
• The carcass of your favorite roadkill.
• Wind Turbines in the ear hole that make a high pitched screeching sound.
• The Jonas Brothers, or The band Van Halen
• Twinkies
• An extra pair of galoshes or slippers --- trade them out depending on the time of day.

Soon American teens will be creating new customs and rituals involving body self mutilation that will last throughout the ages. Hopefully they will decorate wisely and keep everyone fashionable as they fill the hole in their heads. America can be proud of these decorated air-heads.

Purchase Decisions ... What Influences You ?

Are you thirsty? ........ What are you going to do about it ? ....... Secretly take a sip from the milk jug in the fridge or take a shot of tap water from the kitchen sink ? Do you have other options available ? Of course you do, silly. Here are some other options: coffee, beer, wine, soda pop, lemonade, fruit drink, tea, energy drinks. The beverage choices could literally drive you insane with the possible options available. Inside of each of these categories the options explode to include all of the name brand varieties of coffee, beer, wine etc ... So how is the prudent and well informed consumer supposed to decide which beverages to purchase and what are the benefits, consequences, economic and psycho-social implications of those purchases. For the scientific purpose of discussion and conversation I propose that we look at a specific buying decision of mine that needs to be analyzed.

In other words .... "Why did I choose to buy a bottle of Wine with a picture of a Giant 47 pound Rooster on the Label ? "

I was looking for a bottle of wine specifically a Merlot that my wife and I could enjoy before dinner. We like wine right before eating the steaks we cook on the grill. When it comes to wine and Merlot there are a lot of options. First off, let me remind you that I am not a Rockefeller so price points are important. I will spend $10 - $20 for a bottle of wine and that is my limit. Anything over that amount gives me a serious case of buyer's remorse and no money for other interests. Within the cheap seats of the wine world there are still

a lot of options, so this is where brain power kicks in. In reality, this is more likely where impulse and delusional thinking kick in. Here I am, in the liquor department of the local grocery store chain trying to act sophisticated and mature in my choice of wine for the evening. There are plain red labels with French phrases, bright yellow labels, wine from Spain, wine from France, wine from Australia, big bottles, small bottles, funny shaped bottles, clear bottles, green bottles and sooooooo much more. I finally spotted an intersting looking bottle with the giant Rooster on the label, and instantly experienced a eureka type of moment to help guide me in all of my future wine purchases.

I really was not that interested in selecting an excellent tasting wine but actually more interested in creating an opportunity for social interaction, intellectual conversation, witty banter, and sophisticated analysis of the wine producing industry. I could elevate my social status in my circle of friends if I not only selected a unique and different wine, but also could expound on the history of the brand, and the story behind the Giant Rooster on the label. I actually envisioned a small gathering of friends at my home, all with  half-full wine glasses in hand. Also in this delusional vision, I was standing in front of them and discussing the heritage of this unique Merlot and the connections to the Giant Rooster. They all nodded in appreciation of my knowledge and congratulated me in finding such a flavorful and unique wine that so intimately touched the palette. For that moment, I was the Winemaster of my fiefdom and sharing my gift to the innocent few that barely knew the treasures of the fermented fruit. It was this type of delusional thinking that caused me to buy this bottle of wine as I was determined that my selection would have a purpose.

I was quickly treated to a jolting "back to reality" slap in the face when I had arrived home with my purchase.

My wife's first comment was:

 " Why did you buy this shit ? .... I hate Merlot .... What a waste of money ".

So I slinked away, into the garage with my bottle of wine and a small plastic drinking cup and started the grill

to cook some steaks. There would be no witty banter, and no sophisticated commentary about the Giant Rooster. There would be no gathering of friends and the sharing of this gift. My dream had been shattered but there is still hope for you my friends. I have included a website address for your education, entertainment, and the start of your own type of delusional thinking regarding the purchase and consumption of wine.

http://www.rexgoliath.com/rexgoliath/home.jsp

Choose wisely and enjoy the taste of the wine, the joy of true friendship, and the witty banter.

Catfish

Police Line-Up ?

The White Horse Tavern is a local bar just down the street from my house. The building is small and probably holds 50 - 75 people at total capacity. The bar owner runs a fairly decent operation and draws a loyal local crowd that lives within walking (stumbling) distance of the bar. He also supplements his alcohol sales by selling melons, flowers, pumpkins, frog legs, and other miscellaneous items out in an area in the front parking lot. There is nothing fancy about the decor and it looks like the walls are made of white cinder blocks. When smoking was still allowed inside the bar you could drive by on a clear night and see inside the front door. There was always a cloudy mist hovering above the bar and out through the front doorway.
The days of smoking in the bar are now over but most of the loyal patrons that smoke still find a way to spend some time at the White Horse. Now they must stand outside along the side of the building in the parking lot to smoke their cigarettes.
The other night I was driving by the bar and there were about 6 smokers standing next to the building and the white cinder block wall. They all were standing looking straight ahead and staring off into the neighborhood as they smoked .... and then in one fluid motion they all turned to the right and faced the western sky. It looked exactly like a Police line-up where the Officer says " face forward, face to the right, face to the left ...Do any of these men look like your assailant ?" It was perfect for the Moline PD. All they had to do was drive by the tavern when the smokers were against the wall in position for a quick review and make a match to any suspects that were on the lamb. I wonder if anyone would notice if I put hash marks on the wall to mark the 5' and 6' marks for better identification purposes. I will do whatever it takes to support our local Police Department in keeping the neighborhood safe from purse snatchers, and evil doers.

Catfish

Lawnmower for Sale

I'm not sure of the typical lifespan of the normal everyday lawnmower. I really don't even care about the lifespan. All I want is for the mower to sleep quietly in my garage up until the weekend when I need to mow the grass. When that day arrives I expect my mower to be ready for duty and eager to fire up within the first 3-4 pulls on the pull start. If my lawnmower can meet those expectations then I am a happy man, and the job gets done on time.
My Yard King mower had been living up to these expectations for years and then started to act a little feisty about a year ago. The normal 3-4 pulls to get the mower started was slowly starting to turn into 8-10 pulls in addition to  a few looks at the spark plug connection and the air filter. In a normal employment type of situation I (the supervisor) would feel obligated to investigate this drop in the expected performance level of the lawn mower ( the employee). This lawnmower was showing the first few signs of becoming a "high maintenance" type of employee. The identification of a "high maintenance employee" will turn your hair grey, cause sweaty palms, heart palpitations, and an instant loss of hair within seconds of its arrival.  I quickly went through a checklist of possible reasons, excuses, unusual circumstances, and other situations that may have contributed to this decrease in expected productivity. Similar to most employment situations I assumed that the decrease in productivity was in no way related to my performance or skills as a supervisor. After all, once I had achieved the honorable distinction of being named "supervisor of home lawn maintenance" I was about as close to being perfect as I was ever going to become. The problem clearly had to be with the lawn mower ( my employee) and it was time for an attitude adjustment as soon as possible.
My first attempt in motivation was to check and see if we were providing the right combination of tools and resources for my lawnmower to use in achieving our goals. Gas ... check, Oil ... check, Spark Plug ... check.
As usual,  the basic checklist of maintenance items met all of our specifications. Because this was a "high maintenance employee" the checklist needed to be expanded to include all sorts of crazy scenarios:

• Did the employee have a substance abuse problem and secretly over indulge with high amounts of diesel fuel, 5W-30 oil, smoked yard clippings, or other form of illegal contraband ?
• Did the employee not get along with the other workers? Was there a fight over office space between the mower and the weed trimmer? Was the young seductive weed trimmer sleeping with the mower in the evenings and causing an upheaval in the office?
• Did the mower get ostracized from the other staff members because of jealousy for being the boss's favorite yard tool ?
• Did the mower have "drama queen syndrome" and require an audience to listen to all of the details of the struggles of being a lawnmower that is sooooo under appreciated ? 
• Was the mower moonlighting with another job in the evenings or during the week as a hired hand at the country club ? Too many hours at another job could leave the employee tired and lethargic during normal working hours.

After a few weeks, my investigation and review of the checklists proved to be a major waste of my valuable
managerial attention. The performance was getting worse and now I was spending a considerable amount of my time trying to motivate this one employee. There were days that it took 50 - 60 pulls, a few kicks on the wheels, and 5 evil stares to get the mower to cooperate and start up to mow the grass. At 50 - 60 pulls, my lawnmower had started to become one of my best pieces of exercise equipment. I could work up a good sweat before I even cut the first blade of grass. I realized this was not contributing to a productive work environment as some of the other employees soon became aware of my extra attention to the lawnmower.
The weed trimmer needed my attention too and the exercise equipment felt like their work area might get closed down because of  "the drama queen". It became clear that I needed to send the lawnmower to a one day training seminar aimed at improving workplace productivity. Mowers and More was a consulting firm that specialized in the tune-up and motivational repair of yard work employees. For a small fee, they would attempt to restore the productivity levels of my Yard King mower back to normal in order to save my
sanity and the positive work environment we once experienced.

The training consultation seemed to work at first and lawn mowing efficiency had returned to normal levels. The grass was getting mowed, I was smiling during working hours, the weed trimmer and the exercise equipment were getting their fair share of attention and we were a happy operational team. However, the mower soon relapsed into the unproductive drama queen that we all despized. This time it was apparent that
there was nothing left in my handbag of supervisory skills that would fix the situation. I had exhausted the checklists, drained my budget for training, and alienated several of my other key employees. I refused to spend an hour every workshift pampering this one rebel employee. I sold the mower to my consulting firm Mowers and More for just pennies on the dollar. I am currently running this employment ad to find a replacement:

" Highly Efficient Lawn Mower needed for weekend work in a domestic setting. Must be able to start within 3 pulls of engagement consistently, and must be able to contribute in maintaining a professional Yard crew operation. No on the job training will be provided and drama queens need not apply.

Dear Little Debbie ... This has to end

Dear Little Debbie:
Our secret relationship has gone on for far too long and I am sorry that it is me that must call an end to the romance. At first, I was merely intrigued by your child like innocence and seductive playfulness.

I was ashamed of my desires, and I wondered if it would be wrong to accept your invitations to taste the splendors you offered with such convenience. I remember our first encounter very well as I had been so easily convinced that everything would be ok through an introduction by a family friend. There was nothing unique about our first encounter or any of the next ten to twenty times that we found some time to share together. The unique nature of our relationship over the years has always been your willingness to always be there for me in times of hunger, boredom, and utmost those times where my self control was at its lowest levels. During those years I have paid the price for my casual attention to this relationship and I truly believe the relationship has allowed me to grow in more ways than I could have ever dreamed possible. Today, I am not the same man I was 30 years ago when we first met. Because of you I am much more of a man than I have ever dreamed of being. Your sweetness coupled with my insatiable appetite has been an evil combination that could never last forever. It is time that I end it and move on at this stage of my life. Do not worry your pretty little head about my future or the paths that lie ahead. Do not blame yourself for this situation as you have remained a valuable and consistant companion to me. You have not changed. It is me that has changed and time for a new direction in my life. I believe that in my remorse fate has looked upon me with favor for I have found someone new to lead me through the next chapters of my life. We will create a new beginning that is marked with a healthy dose of energy and a wholistic cleansing that I need in my life.
My new friend religiously guides me towards a new pathway in life and quietly urges me to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer. He does not judge me for where I have been, but encourages me to make a more
regular movement towards achieving my goals.

Good bye Little Debbie ..... I will not forget your sweetness and your invidually wrapped valuable morsels.

Catfish

International Sandwich Law

To my attorney,

Please consider the following events:

On Wednesday I purchased 3 sub sandwiches from the Moline Jimmy John’s store to bring home for dinner for my family. The #14 with peppers was for me, the #10 with peppers was for my wife, and the tuna salad without sprouts was to be split in half for each one of my girls. Shortly after my arrival home I devoured the #14 in less than 5 minutes. My two girls ate their chips first and then complained that they did not want to eat their sandwich although they nibbled around the edges in an effort to fool me. My wife ate ½ of her sandwich and decided to wrap the other ½ and place it caringly back on the shelf in the refrigerator. Upon questioning from me she made the following statement that I submit as “exhibit A “ as evidence in my defense strategy. Her statement (exhibit A) …. “ I am saving the other ½ to bring to work on Thursday “.
On Thursday at approximately 12:20 p.m I was at home for lunch and decided to check the fridge for my lunch plans for the day. To my surprise and delight the ½ of the #10 was still in the refrigerator and it seemed to be calling my name. Without hesitation and no attorney present I proceeded to eat the leftover sandwich in approximately 2.5 minutes. I am writing to you now with concerns about the domestic consequences of my actions. I have carefully outlined for your consideration my planned strategies for a legal defense if there is anything that can save me from excessive punishment or pain of any kind.

Upon any questioning from my wife or her attorney:

#1) The ‘ask for proof’ defense: Can you prove that it was me that ate your sandwich? “
#2) The ‘its your fault’ defense: Yes I ate it but you made a false claim and statement to the court ( exhibit A) that was within the bounds of the statute of limitations. And I was really really hungry.
#3) The ‘latin phrase’ defense: I am sorry but I will be invoking the E Pluribus Unum defense or the Vini Vidi Vici defense.
#4) The George Costanza defense: What sandwich? I am appalled that you would think that I would ever consider ….
#5) The ‘Mercy of the Court’ defense: Yes babe, I ate the sandwich but then I immediately made reservations at Biaggi’s and started your bath water snookums.

 Your guidance will be very much appreciated before I decide to expand my search and seek the guidance of Roland Burris or any one of our ex-Governors from IL.