To my attorney,
Please consider the following events:
On Wednesday I purchased 3 sub sandwiches from the Moline Jimmy John’s store to bring home for dinner for my family. The #14 with peppers was for me, the #10 with peppers was for my wife, and the tuna salad without sprouts was to be split in half for each one of my girls. Shortly after my arrival home I devoured the #14 in less than 5 minutes. My two girls ate their chips first and then complained that they did not want to eat their sandwich although they nibbled around the edges in an effort to fool me. My wife ate ½ of her sandwich and decided to wrap the other ½ and place it caringly back on the shelf in the refrigerator. Upon questioning from me she made the following statement that I submit as “exhibit A “ as evidence in my defense strategy. Her statement (exhibit A) …. “ I am saving the other ½ to bring to work on Thursday “.
On Thursday at approximately 12:20 p.m I was at home for lunch and decided to check the fridge for my lunch plans for the day. To my surprise and delight the ½ of the #10 was still in the refrigerator and it seemed to be calling my name. Without hesitation and no attorney present I proceeded to eat the leftover sandwich in approximately 2.5 minutes. I am writing to you now with concerns about the domestic consequences of my actions. I have carefully outlined for your consideration my planned strategies for a legal defense if there is anything that can save me from excessive punishment or pain of any kind.
Upon any questioning from my wife or her attorney:
#1) The ‘ask for proof’ defense: Can you prove that it was me that ate your sandwich? “
#2) The ‘its your fault’ defense: Yes I ate it but you made a false claim and statement to the court ( exhibit A) that was within the bounds of the statute of limitations. And I was really really hungry.
#3) The ‘latin phrase’ defense: I am sorry but I will be invoking the E Pluribus Unum defense or the Vini Vidi Vici defense.
#4) The George Costanza defense: What sandwich? I am appalled that you would think that I would ever consider ….
#5) The ‘Mercy of the Court’ defense: Yes babe, I ate the sandwich but then I immediately made reservations at Biaggi’s and started your bath water snookums.
Your guidance will be very much appreciated before I decide to expand my search and seek the guidance of Roland Burris or any one of our ex-Governors from IL.
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I think the "I have the receipt for the sandwich right here, what do you have?" defense is in order. I can present witnesses that have me buying and paying for said sandwich. All she has is her own testimony and a couple of minors. I do not offer this as a viable maneuver to maintain marital bliss....only an option.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the advice. As a legal scholar and international correspondent from the southern states your opinion is much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteCatfish
Tell her that you were inspired by a William Carlos Williams poem: "This is Just to Say". Then, quickly, tell her that she inspires to remember poetry even when she leaves behind a sandwich. Trivial? Sharing the same taste as one's beloved is a way of knowing them better. Continue bullshitting in this vein.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing to remember is that I do not get into trouble or spend any time in the doghouse over this incident. So I am willing to try a little poetry BS if it will work.
ReplyDelete