Lawnmower for Sale

I'm not sure of the typical lifespan of the normal everyday lawnmower. I really don't even care about the lifespan. All I want is for the mower to sleep quietly in my garage up until the weekend when I need to mow the grass. When that day arrives I expect my mower to be ready for duty and eager to fire up within the first 3-4 pulls on the pull start. If my lawnmower can meet those expectations then I am a happy man, and the job gets done on time.
My Yard King mower had been living up to these expectations for years and then started to act a little feisty about a year ago. The normal 3-4 pulls to get the mower started was slowly starting to turn into 8-10 pulls in addition to  a few looks at the spark plug connection and the air filter. In a normal employment type of situation I (the supervisor) would feel obligated to investigate this drop in the expected performance level of the lawn mower ( the employee). This lawnmower was showing the first few signs of becoming a "high maintenance" type of employee. The identification of a "high maintenance employee" will turn your hair grey, cause sweaty palms, heart palpitations, and an instant loss of hair within seconds of its arrival.  I quickly went through a checklist of possible reasons, excuses, unusual circumstances, and other situations that may have contributed to this decrease in expected productivity. Similar to most employment situations I assumed that the decrease in productivity was in no way related to my performance or skills as a supervisor. After all, once I had achieved the honorable distinction of being named "supervisor of home lawn maintenance" I was about as close to being perfect as I was ever going to become. The problem clearly had to be with the lawn mower ( my employee) and it was time for an attitude adjustment as soon as possible.
My first attempt in motivation was to check and see if we were providing the right combination of tools and resources for my lawnmower to use in achieving our goals. Gas ... check, Oil ... check, Spark Plug ... check.
As usual,  the basic checklist of maintenance items met all of our specifications. Because this was a "high maintenance employee" the checklist needed to be expanded to include all sorts of crazy scenarios:

• Did the employee have a substance abuse problem and secretly over indulge with high amounts of diesel fuel, 5W-30 oil, smoked yard clippings, or other form of illegal contraband ?
• Did the employee not get along with the other workers? Was there a fight over office space between the mower and the weed trimmer? Was the young seductive weed trimmer sleeping with the mower in the evenings and causing an upheaval in the office?
• Did the mower get ostracized from the other staff members because of jealousy for being the boss's favorite yard tool ?
• Did the mower have "drama queen syndrome" and require an audience to listen to all of the details of the struggles of being a lawnmower that is sooooo under appreciated ? 
• Was the mower moonlighting with another job in the evenings or during the week as a hired hand at the country club ? Too many hours at another job could leave the employee tired and lethargic during normal working hours.

After a few weeks, my investigation and review of the checklists proved to be a major waste of my valuable
managerial attention. The performance was getting worse and now I was spending a considerable amount of my time trying to motivate this one employee. There were days that it took 50 - 60 pulls, a few kicks on the wheels, and 5 evil stares to get the mower to cooperate and start up to mow the grass. At 50 - 60 pulls, my lawnmower had started to become one of my best pieces of exercise equipment. I could work up a good sweat before I even cut the first blade of grass. I realized this was not contributing to a productive work environment as some of the other employees soon became aware of my extra attention to the lawnmower.
The weed trimmer needed my attention too and the exercise equipment felt like their work area might get closed down because of  "the drama queen". It became clear that I needed to send the lawnmower to a one day training seminar aimed at improving workplace productivity. Mowers and More was a consulting firm that specialized in the tune-up and motivational repair of yard work employees. For a small fee, they would attempt to restore the productivity levels of my Yard King mower back to normal in order to save my
sanity and the positive work environment we once experienced.

The training consultation seemed to work at first and lawn mowing efficiency had returned to normal levels. The grass was getting mowed, I was smiling during working hours, the weed trimmer and the exercise equipment were getting their fair share of attention and we were a happy operational team. However, the mower soon relapsed into the unproductive drama queen that we all despized. This time it was apparent that
there was nothing left in my handbag of supervisory skills that would fix the situation. I had exhausted the checklists, drained my budget for training, and alienated several of my other key employees. I refused to spend an hour every workshift pampering this one rebel employee. I sold the mower to my consulting firm Mowers and More for just pennies on the dollar. I am currently running this employment ad to find a replacement:

" Highly Efficient Lawn Mower needed for weekend work in a domestic setting. Must be able to start within 3 pulls of engagement consistently, and must be able to contribute in maintaining a professional Yard crew operation. No on the job training will be provided and drama queens need not apply.