I have contracted Palintitus A Serious Affliction

Dear Editor:


I have been exposed to and suffer from an extreme case of Palintitus or middle aged insanity. It started two years ago when John McCain selected Sarah Palin as his running mate for the 2008 election. For me it started with just a glazed over look of complete confusion as Sarah’s launch into the Presidential arena started to take a foothold. My catatonic state was soon replaced with a special kind of folksy warmth when the hockey mom started winking at us and stirring up emotions in all of the McCain supporters and his opponents as well. For a short moment I had started to believe that maybe John McCain had struck political gold and just maybe … he had found a perfect running mate. My violently changing symptoms of Palintitus quickly reversed course as she began her tour of interviews with Charlie Gibson and Katie Couric. As a concerned citizen I was confused, amused and a little abused all at the same time but I was starting to understand where things were headed. The awkward comments about watching the Russians from along the Alaskan border and the first few complaints about being misguided by her political handlers were starting to surface. I began to feel disappointed to know that the train wreck was soon inevitable. I asked myself “ Do we really want to have someone that is lacking the conversational intelligence or political savvy needed to be just a heartbeat away from the Presidency? What about when we had Dan Quayle as the V.P. ? He too, seemed to be lacking the political savvy for the national spotlight but it didn’t stop him from getting to be Vice President. “ My bout with Palintitus almost seemed to be cured when the Obama / Biden ticket won the election. I figured that Sarah Palin would slowly fall back into the role of Governor of Alaska and my symptoms would go away as well. They never did entirely go away as I was subject to frequent flare ups as Sarah Palin continued to appear in the spotlight of the mainstream media. These appearances included family squabbles, finger pointing, accusations, and rumors of a book deal. There was the Governor’s resignation and the launch of the book tour. I had been nervous about contracting the H1N1 virus but the potent Palintitus virus has now unleashed its fury on me and I have never been more sick to my stomach than I am today. As thousands of people continue to cling to the folksy warmth of the winking hockey mom by buying her book they continue the spread of the Palintitus virus. I am concerned that very soon it will reach pandemic proportions and corrupt the minds of our society. The anti venom for Palintitus will be created when we refocus the spotlight onto candidates with real ideas and political visions that can lead the United States of America and everything that it stands for. Excuse me but I don’t feel well at all. I am going to wash my hands, gargle and spit out the germs of this terrible virus.

Paul Bunyan hops across Minnesota

Last week in Minnesota local farmer Turlie Wipseed found this extra large work boot in his pasture while

pheasant hunting. Turlie believes that the legendary outdoorsman Paul Bunyan lost the boot while catnapping on the Wipseed farmland. "That's not the only thing I found from Mr. Bunyan's visit to the farm" Turlie commented. " We think there are a few signs that he was also accompanied by Babe his giant blue ox. I won't go into a lot of detail but it looks like Babe has been getting a lot of fiber these days. Our flat pasture

land has turned into a mountainous rolling range of aromatic splendor."

As a payback for the damage to the pasture Mr. Wipseed has been single handedly transporting the lost work boot all across Minnesota in order to gain a psychological foothold over Mr Bunyan. A replacement boot would take nearly three years to be manufactured and put the entire eastern population of Minnesota back to work at union wages. Mr. Bunyan has been hopping around the region furiously looking to find Wipseed and the lost boot. It has been recently reported that Mr. Bunyan's rage is increasing as he has now developed a serious bunion on his now naked foot. Bunyan's bunion measures 100 feet from top to bottom.

Good Luck to you Mr. Wipseed and the citizens of Minnesota as you put one foot in front of the other in resolving this issue.

Snap Crackle Drop - Bombs Away

So Halloween was not what I expected. A few kids showed up for some free candy, my neighbor fired up his chain saw a few times, and I twisted my back while lifting the bowl of candy. There was a small twinge and a small crack of the spine and it seemed pretty innocent. I decided to take the old fashioned ... "walk it off" gameplan and didnt think much of it. After about an hour of walking it off and passing out more candy I finally had to lay down. This is where things started to get interesting. The small twinge had found the perfect place to pinch the nerve in my lower back and cause me to wince and groan while muttering a few expletives. A sound sleep for the evening was not going to happen. About an hour into my tossing and turning on the bed and I realized that nature was calling me to the bathroom.

Have you ever tried to literally crawl out of bed with a pinched nerve in your back and tried to hold your bladder until you could hoist yourself over the porcelain ? The back pain was bad enough that I seriously considered just letting the bladder go and dealing with the wetness issue later. But I did not give up the fight as I crawled in agony to the bathroom and eventually took my position of relief above the pot. The adventure back to the bed was not as threatening but still caused for a lot of teeth gritting and a few verbal "f-bombs" dropped along the way. Might I add that there were "s-bombs" as well. It went something like this .....
"f-bomb, s-bomb, f-bomb, f-bomb, f-bomb ...... s-bomb, f-bomb, holy s-bomb that f-bomb hurts like a mother f-bomber. Repeat that phrase like 8 or 9 times and you get the idea of what my Halloween night was like.

I made it to work on Monday and walked around all day like Bill Buckner hobbling down the baseline. On Tuesday I was still walking like I had a corn cobb jammed up my arse but the pinched nerve pain was gone.
Today I feel better but an occassional twinge every 30 minutes or so is a small reminder that the nerve in my back is truly in charge of my destiny. At any second the nerve can send you to your knees and have you contemplating your serenade of f-bombs.

Next year my wife can pass out the Halloween candy and I will drink Martinis.

Protect Your Happy Dome

Some experts claim that it is easier to illustrate a concept or idea more completely by using diagrams and pictures than the use of words alone. In an effort to support scientific advancements and intellectual commentary I wholeheartedly support the use of diagrams, symbols, and visual linkages as a tool in communicating through this website. The first theme to be conveyed is the repsonsibility that a person has to

" Protect Your Happy Dome ".

The "Fun Haters" are an evil group of pirate like entities that surround us in our daily lives. They love nothing better than to ruin your party, piss in your cheerios, or rob you of your rights to fun and enjoyment. They think that everything must be completely void of anything fun. In their world there is no sunshine. There is no

laughter. There is nothing fun about work or people, and no episodes of Seinfeld. They have one purpose only and that is to enter your Happy Dome and infect it with their poisonous venom of doom.

Do not be afraid of the fun haters as they cannot penetrate the walls of your Happy Dome without your permission. It is your obligation to act as the gatekeeper that guards your inner sanctum. You must watch at all times and turn away the fun haters at each and every opportunity. Their only chance at survival is to gain entry into the Happy Dome where they will gradually pick away at your beliefs, your happiness, and your

contentment.

Happy Halloween to all of you as you defend your Happy Dome of Life.

The Farmer's Employment Policy - Finding Good Employees

There is something wrong with the current status of the employment pool. Quality workers are hard to find and it is becoming more and more evident that the situation is going to gradually get worse. I am not looking for the best and brightest candidates but there is a minimal level of acceptance to be used in considering someone to be a "quality" candidate. Here are some of my basic requirements for finding a decent part time employee.

• Good Communication Skills -- Know how to talk on the phone professionally, leave an informative message, ask relevent questions, and listen to the answers.
• Good Hygiene / Proper Attire -- Don't expect me to overlook your disrespect for the job if you do not dress appropriately or the fact that you cannot bath before the interview.
• Arrive on Time -- Don't give me the excuses for being late during your 1st interview.
• Be prepared for the interview questions -- where did you work before ?, why is this job of interest ?
• What are your qualifications ?

I get calls from people that do not even know which ad they are responding to when they call. Very often the question is " How much does it pay and where do I apply ?". This does not help you get the job. I also have the frustration of explaining the job and the procedure to apply and then the job candidate does not follow through and never comes in.

In discussing my frustrations in hiring good employees a friend of mine shared his own hiring policy that he will use in his next career. He decided that he was getting tired of the 9 to 5 daily grind and the stress involved with relying on too many unreliable employees. So he was making plans on becoming a Farmer.
As a Farmer his employment hiring practice was as follows:

He was going to hire a cow, a chicken, and a pig. He was going to give each of them a job assignment to carry out. If any of these employees did not do their job or complained in any way then he was going to shoot them and eat them for dinner. What a brilliant management tool !!! .......

Body Art -- Ear Gauges ???

I never have understood the big deal with body art, piercings, and ear gauges. I understand the part of this that relates to tribal customs, and the rituals of various groups of people. In those instances it seems more authentic and established as a part of their way of life. I do not understand the desire of people that want to imitate the rituals and authentic customs in order to look cool or different.

What is the thinking process that is involved with the decision to cut a hole in your ear and hang some metal

ornaments in the hole ? " Hey look at me, I am a big decoration and I need some attention from you". "You should cut a hole in your ears too and we can walk around together and scare people." 

That thinking process might be working because those people certainly scare me.

I have a few ideas for those people who are starting to feel like jumping on the "ear-hole punching" bandwagon. If you feel the need to be all pretty and decorated why not try a few of these ideas to attach to the holes in your head, or your nipples if you are crazy enough:

• Christmas Lights in Winter and Sparklers in July
• Fishing Lures --- A grim reaper muskie lure would look great in early October.
• A set of Jumper cables -- for emergency purposes.
• A matching set of lawn sprinklers to keep yourself moist.
• Tonka Trucks or John Deere Tractors
• The carcass of your favorite roadkill.
• Wind Turbines in the ear hole that make a high pitched screeching sound.
• The Jonas Brothers, or The band Van Halen
• Twinkies
• An extra pair of galoshes or slippers --- trade them out depending on the time of day.

Soon American teens will be creating new customs and rituals involving body self mutilation that will last throughout the ages. Hopefully they will decorate wisely and keep everyone fashionable as they fill the hole in their heads. America can be proud of these decorated air-heads.

Purchase Decisions ... What Influences You ?

Are you thirsty? ........ What are you going to do about it ? ....... Secretly take a sip from the milk jug in the fridge or take a shot of tap water from the kitchen sink ? Do you have other options available ? Of course you do, silly. Here are some other options: coffee, beer, wine, soda pop, lemonade, fruit drink, tea, energy drinks. The beverage choices could literally drive you insane with the possible options available. Inside of each of these categories the options explode to include all of the name brand varieties of coffee, beer, wine etc ... So how is the prudent and well informed consumer supposed to decide which beverages to purchase and what are the benefits, consequences, economic and psycho-social implications of those purchases. For the scientific purpose of discussion and conversation I propose that we look at a specific buying decision of mine that needs to be analyzed.

In other words .... "Why did I choose to buy a bottle of Wine with a picture of a Giant 47 pound Rooster on the Label ? "

I was looking for a bottle of wine specifically a Merlot that my wife and I could enjoy before dinner. We like wine right before eating the steaks we cook on the grill. When it comes to wine and Merlot there are a lot of options. First off, let me remind you that I am not a Rockefeller so price points are important. I will spend $10 - $20 for a bottle of wine and that is my limit. Anything over that amount gives me a serious case of buyer's remorse and no money for other interests. Within the cheap seats of the wine world there are still

a lot of options, so this is where brain power kicks in. In reality, this is more likely where impulse and delusional thinking kick in. Here I am, in the liquor department of the local grocery store chain trying to act sophisticated and mature in my choice of wine for the evening. There are plain red labels with French phrases, bright yellow labels, wine from Spain, wine from France, wine from Australia, big bottles, small bottles, funny shaped bottles, clear bottles, green bottles and sooooooo much more. I finally spotted an intersting looking bottle with the giant Rooster on the label, and instantly experienced a eureka type of moment to help guide me in all of my future wine purchases.

I really was not that interested in selecting an excellent tasting wine but actually more interested in creating an opportunity for social interaction, intellectual conversation, witty banter, and sophisticated analysis of the wine producing industry. I could elevate my social status in my circle of friends if I not only selected a unique and different wine, but also could expound on the history of the brand, and the story behind the Giant Rooster on the label. I actually envisioned a small gathering of friends at my home, all with  half-full wine glasses in hand. Also in this delusional vision, I was standing in front of them and discussing the heritage of this unique Merlot and the connections to the Giant Rooster. They all nodded in appreciation of my knowledge and congratulated me in finding such a flavorful and unique wine that so intimately touched the palette. For that moment, I was the Winemaster of my fiefdom and sharing my gift to the innocent few that barely knew the treasures of the fermented fruit. It was this type of delusional thinking that caused me to buy this bottle of wine as I was determined that my selection would have a purpose.

I was quickly treated to a jolting "back to reality" slap in the face when I had arrived home with my purchase.

My wife's first comment was:

 " Why did you buy this shit ? .... I hate Merlot .... What a waste of money ".

So I slinked away, into the garage with my bottle of wine and a small plastic drinking cup and started the grill

to cook some steaks. There would be no witty banter, and no sophisticated commentary about the Giant Rooster. There would be no gathering of friends and the sharing of this gift. My dream had been shattered but there is still hope for you my friends. I have included a website address for your education, entertainment, and the start of your own type of delusional thinking regarding the purchase and consumption of wine.

http://www.rexgoliath.com/rexgoliath/home.jsp

Choose wisely and enjoy the taste of the wine, the joy of true friendship, and the witty banter.

Catfish

Police Line-Up ?

The White Horse Tavern is a local bar just down the street from my house. The building is small and probably holds 50 - 75 people at total capacity. The bar owner runs a fairly decent operation and draws a loyal local crowd that lives within walking (stumbling) distance of the bar. He also supplements his alcohol sales by selling melons, flowers, pumpkins, frog legs, and other miscellaneous items out in an area in the front parking lot. There is nothing fancy about the decor and it looks like the walls are made of white cinder blocks. When smoking was still allowed inside the bar you could drive by on a clear night and see inside the front door. There was always a cloudy mist hovering above the bar and out through the front doorway.
The days of smoking in the bar are now over but most of the loyal patrons that smoke still find a way to spend some time at the White Horse. Now they must stand outside along the side of the building in the parking lot to smoke their cigarettes.
The other night I was driving by the bar and there were about 6 smokers standing next to the building and the white cinder block wall. They all were standing looking straight ahead and staring off into the neighborhood as they smoked .... and then in one fluid motion they all turned to the right and faced the western sky. It looked exactly like a Police line-up where the Officer says " face forward, face to the right, face to the left ...Do any of these men look like your assailant ?" It was perfect for the Moline PD. All they had to do was drive by the tavern when the smokers were against the wall in position for a quick review and make a match to any suspects that were on the lamb. I wonder if anyone would notice if I put hash marks on the wall to mark the 5' and 6' marks for better identification purposes. I will do whatever it takes to support our local Police Department in keeping the neighborhood safe from purse snatchers, and evil doers.

Catfish

Lawnmower for Sale

I'm not sure of the typical lifespan of the normal everyday lawnmower. I really don't even care about the lifespan. All I want is for the mower to sleep quietly in my garage up until the weekend when I need to mow the grass. When that day arrives I expect my mower to be ready for duty and eager to fire up within the first 3-4 pulls on the pull start. If my lawnmower can meet those expectations then I am a happy man, and the job gets done on time.
My Yard King mower had been living up to these expectations for years and then started to act a little feisty about a year ago. The normal 3-4 pulls to get the mower started was slowly starting to turn into 8-10 pulls in addition to  a few looks at the spark plug connection and the air filter. In a normal employment type of situation I (the supervisor) would feel obligated to investigate this drop in the expected performance level of the lawn mower ( the employee). This lawnmower was showing the first few signs of becoming a "high maintenance" type of employee. The identification of a "high maintenance employee" will turn your hair grey, cause sweaty palms, heart palpitations, and an instant loss of hair within seconds of its arrival.  I quickly went through a checklist of possible reasons, excuses, unusual circumstances, and other situations that may have contributed to this decrease in expected productivity. Similar to most employment situations I assumed that the decrease in productivity was in no way related to my performance or skills as a supervisor. After all, once I had achieved the honorable distinction of being named "supervisor of home lawn maintenance" I was about as close to being perfect as I was ever going to become. The problem clearly had to be with the lawn mower ( my employee) and it was time for an attitude adjustment as soon as possible.
My first attempt in motivation was to check and see if we were providing the right combination of tools and resources for my lawnmower to use in achieving our goals. Gas ... check, Oil ... check, Spark Plug ... check.
As usual,  the basic checklist of maintenance items met all of our specifications. Because this was a "high maintenance employee" the checklist needed to be expanded to include all sorts of crazy scenarios:

• Did the employee have a substance abuse problem and secretly over indulge with high amounts of diesel fuel, 5W-30 oil, smoked yard clippings, or other form of illegal contraband ?
• Did the employee not get along with the other workers? Was there a fight over office space between the mower and the weed trimmer? Was the young seductive weed trimmer sleeping with the mower in the evenings and causing an upheaval in the office?
• Did the mower get ostracized from the other staff members because of jealousy for being the boss's favorite yard tool ?
• Did the mower have "drama queen syndrome" and require an audience to listen to all of the details of the struggles of being a lawnmower that is sooooo under appreciated ? 
• Was the mower moonlighting with another job in the evenings or during the week as a hired hand at the country club ? Too many hours at another job could leave the employee tired and lethargic during normal working hours.

After a few weeks, my investigation and review of the checklists proved to be a major waste of my valuable
managerial attention. The performance was getting worse and now I was spending a considerable amount of my time trying to motivate this one employee. There were days that it took 50 - 60 pulls, a few kicks on the wheels, and 5 evil stares to get the mower to cooperate and start up to mow the grass. At 50 - 60 pulls, my lawnmower had started to become one of my best pieces of exercise equipment. I could work up a good sweat before I even cut the first blade of grass. I realized this was not contributing to a productive work environment as some of the other employees soon became aware of my extra attention to the lawnmower.
The weed trimmer needed my attention too and the exercise equipment felt like their work area might get closed down because of  "the drama queen". It became clear that I needed to send the lawnmower to a one day training seminar aimed at improving workplace productivity. Mowers and More was a consulting firm that specialized in the tune-up and motivational repair of yard work employees. For a small fee, they would attempt to restore the productivity levels of my Yard King mower back to normal in order to save my
sanity and the positive work environment we once experienced.

The training consultation seemed to work at first and lawn mowing efficiency had returned to normal levels. The grass was getting mowed, I was smiling during working hours, the weed trimmer and the exercise equipment were getting their fair share of attention and we were a happy operational team. However, the mower soon relapsed into the unproductive drama queen that we all despized. This time it was apparent that
there was nothing left in my handbag of supervisory skills that would fix the situation. I had exhausted the checklists, drained my budget for training, and alienated several of my other key employees. I refused to spend an hour every workshift pampering this one rebel employee. I sold the mower to my consulting firm Mowers and More for just pennies on the dollar. I am currently running this employment ad to find a replacement:

" Highly Efficient Lawn Mower needed for weekend work in a domestic setting. Must be able to start within 3 pulls of engagement consistently, and must be able to contribute in maintaining a professional Yard crew operation. No on the job training will be provided and drama queens need not apply.

Dear Little Debbie ... This has to end

Dear Little Debbie:
Our secret relationship has gone on for far too long and I am sorry that it is me that must call an end to the romance. At first, I was merely intrigued by your child like innocence and seductive playfulness.

I was ashamed of my desires, and I wondered if it would be wrong to accept your invitations to taste the splendors you offered with such convenience. I remember our first encounter very well as I had been so easily convinced that everything would be ok through an introduction by a family friend. There was nothing unique about our first encounter or any of the next ten to twenty times that we found some time to share together. The unique nature of our relationship over the years has always been your willingness to always be there for me in times of hunger, boredom, and utmost those times where my self control was at its lowest levels. During those years I have paid the price for my casual attention to this relationship and I truly believe the relationship has allowed me to grow in more ways than I could have ever dreamed possible. Today, I am not the same man I was 30 years ago when we first met. Because of you I am much more of a man than I have ever dreamed of being. Your sweetness coupled with my insatiable appetite has been an evil combination that could never last forever. It is time that I end it and move on at this stage of my life. Do not worry your pretty little head about my future or the paths that lie ahead. Do not blame yourself for this situation as you have remained a valuable and consistant companion to me. You have not changed. It is me that has changed and time for a new direction in my life. I believe that in my remorse fate has looked upon me with favor for I have found someone new to lead me through the next chapters of my life. We will create a new beginning that is marked with a healthy dose of energy and a wholistic cleansing that I need in my life.
My new friend religiously guides me towards a new pathway in life and quietly urges me to enjoy the simple things that life has to offer. He does not judge me for where I have been, but encourages me to make a more
regular movement towards achieving my goals.

Good bye Little Debbie ..... I will not forget your sweetness and your invidually wrapped valuable morsels.

Catfish

International Sandwich Law

To my attorney,

Please consider the following events:

On Wednesday I purchased 3 sub sandwiches from the Moline Jimmy John’s store to bring home for dinner for my family. The #14 with peppers was for me, the #10 with peppers was for my wife, and the tuna salad without sprouts was to be split in half for each one of my girls. Shortly after my arrival home I devoured the #14 in less than 5 minutes. My two girls ate their chips first and then complained that they did not want to eat their sandwich although they nibbled around the edges in an effort to fool me. My wife ate ½ of her sandwich and decided to wrap the other ½ and place it caringly back on the shelf in the refrigerator. Upon questioning from me she made the following statement that I submit as “exhibit A “ as evidence in my defense strategy. Her statement (exhibit A) …. “ I am saving the other ½ to bring to work on Thursday “.
On Thursday at approximately 12:20 p.m I was at home for lunch and decided to check the fridge for my lunch plans for the day. To my surprise and delight the ½ of the #10 was still in the refrigerator and it seemed to be calling my name. Without hesitation and no attorney present I proceeded to eat the leftover sandwich in approximately 2.5 minutes. I am writing to you now with concerns about the domestic consequences of my actions. I have carefully outlined for your consideration my planned strategies for a legal defense if there is anything that can save me from excessive punishment or pain of any kind.

Upon any questioning from my wife or her attorney:

#1) The ‘ask for proof’ defense: Can you prove that it was me that ate your sandwich? “
#2) The ‘its your fault’ defense: Yes I ate it but you made a false claim and statement to the court ( exhibit A) that was within the bounds of the statute of limitations. And I was really really hungry.
#3) The ‘latin phrase’ defense: I am sorry but I will be invoking the E Pluribus Unum defense or the Vini Vidi Vici defense.
#4) The George Costanza defense: What sandwich? I am appalled that you would think that I would ever consider ….
#5) The ‘Mercy of the Court’ defense: Yes babe, I ate the sandwich but then I immediately made reservations at Biaggi’s and started your bath water snookums.

 Your guidance will be very much appreciated before I decide to expand my search and seek the guidance of Roland Burris or any one of our ex-Governors from IL.

No Emotions at this Restaurant

 There is a small family run restaurant here in town that we visit on a regular basis. The italian style food is pretty good and the cost is reasonable. It has everything that you should want from a restaurant except one thing. It seems to be lacking on the friendliness social side of the scale. As a matter of fact you could say that it is lacking any emotion at all. There is no friendly banter with the customers and there is no angry outbursts towards the hired help. The ambience of the restaurant is a black hole of emotion where there is no laughter and there is no sadness. It can be quite unnerving for the typical unsuspecting customer who rambles in and expects to be served with a smile. You get no smile, you get no neighborly banter, but you do get some good food at a reasonable price. Place your order, pay the cashier, and take your food and there will be no problems. Nobody gets hurt and you get fed.

Problem: This isn't good enough for me!! I need a little neighborly banter and I need a little social interaction when I decide to let you prepare my meal. It actually seems a little creepy to me when the restaurant staff are all working like stone cold zombies. I start wondering if I have done something wrong or wondering if they don't like my jokes. I also start wondering if they are all convicts working on a diabolical scheme to over- throw the local government and I have just barged into their private meeting. I also wonder if there will be strange chunks of any unidentifiable objects in my food. So far, there have been no weird chunks but the cold stone stares continue on every visit.
The proprietor of the business is zombie #1 and he is truly a piece of work. His lack of emotion and human character has permeated throughout the entire staff of his business. I was going to post an actual picture of him but this characterization will illustrate perfectly the response he gives to every customer every day.

This is the emotion-less expression I get every single time I go to the restaurant and I even get "the look" when I have used some of my best ice breaker material. For example ....

Me: " Hey,  how about those Cubbies? " .....

Zombie Man: "Can I take your order?                         

Me: " This weather we are having is perfect ..."

Zombie Man: "Do you want anything to drink?"

                                                                         

Me: " It sure looks busy in here today ... "

Zombie Man: " That will be $17.98 ... "

                                                                      

Me: " Are you going to spit in my cheerios Zombie Man ? "

Zombie Man: " Here is your receipt "

                                                                         

Me: " Are you some kind of psycho that is wanted by the Police ?"

Zombie Man: " Do you need any napkins ? "

                                                                        

Me: " I am well aware of your evil plans Zombie Man and I will report you to the authorities !!! "

Zombie Man: "Who is next ? "

                                                                          

I always leave the restaurant unharmed but also nervous that something may have been done to my food order. Each bite is preceded by careful investigation by my well trained eyes. So far, there has been nothing but tasty and fulfilling meals on each and every visit. However, the emotionless stares of Zombie Man and his

hired minions continue to haunt me. Perhaps I need some new ice breaker material.

Catfish

 

The Carmen Electra Theory and its Downfall

Have you ever experienced that strange phenomenon known as deja vu ? It involves the feeling that you are seeing a situation or experience for a second time. As the situation unfolds to the observer they get the feeling that they have seen the situation all before perhaps in a dream or past experience. Its like a replay of a scene from your life or it could be just a strange coincidence where your mind has played a trick on you. I am sure that there has been a lot of research and psychological studies on deja vu because of its commonality in the human experience.
There is another strange phenomenon that exists and randomly repeats itself at different times in my life. I have had many coincidental incidents in my life when discussing a friend, or object from the past. Many times after describing a friend or acquaintance from my past I have "coincidentally" heard from them or ran into them within the following few days. My response is usually ... " hey we were just talking about you the other day ... funny that you just appeared after all these years."  When these situations happen the feeling is a combination of coincidence and mystery. I often wonder if my thoughts had actually caused the situation to happen. This is very similar to concepts involving the achievement of your goals and the visioning process as you imagine yourself achieving a personal goal. If you can visualize it in your mind then it is achievable. I am not aware of the name of this phenomenon that causes people from your past to appear in your life just days after you have discussed them but it is a real phenomenon.
I decided to experiment with the process and to create my own rules and expectations in order to understand and identify the intricacies of this entire process. I started by thinking of food such as chicken wings, spaghetti, and hoagie sandwiches. To my delight, a few days after pondering a plate full of chicken wings I was feasting on wings with good friends at the local saloon. I gradually discovered that the phenomenon does not work with too much concentrated effort. There needs to be a vacuum of randomness and equal percentages of chance for the experience to be unique. I wondered what would happen if I randomly discussed people that I wanted to meet in select conversations throughout the day. Sometimes these would be a friend from the past or an ex co-worker that disappeared from the social radar screen. The random success rate in these circumstances is much higher than would be expected. So now I have set my sights on
Carmen Electra:

My Carmen Electra theory had been formulated and must now be tested. If I systematically discussed Carmen Electra and envisioned her presence then there was a percentage of chance and randomness that would eventually cause her to cross my path. The theory has now been well documented and the testing has been initiated in many conversations to date. There have been no indications that the theory is reliable and has not yet been proven in any scientific journals or research. She also has not randomly appeared at my office or through a telephone call. For the sake of science, and my own personal quest to get published in the journals of unexplainable social phenomenon I continue my research hidden from the spotlights of mainstream academia.

In conclusion, the current downfall of the Carmen Electra theory is that I am still waiting for that eureka moment where I can say " Carmen, I can't believe that you are here as I was just talking about you the other day."  My experiments and research shall continue.

Catfish

Preview of Upcoming Thoughts ........

Bored and Restless ??? Then remember to stop back to the FishDome for these articles coming in the near future:

• " The Carmen Electra Syndrome and its downfall "
• Beware of  "The Restraunteer that shows no emotions with a cold dark stare".
• The Difference Between me and Those Guys that Win the Nobel Prize for anything.
• Cool Flowers with a symmetrical Beauty.
• Unique and Creative Ideas from across the web.

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Hunting for Beaver in Orion, IL

I hate garage sales and the entire concept behind them. Let's face it they are just a creative way for people to unload their junk. People tell me I don't know what I am missing with the adventure of finding something special that you cannot find in the regular stores. Our house is loaded with things that have been purchased at garage sales that were considered a "great buy" or a "bargain" and that I consider to be junk.
Now we are faced with the prospects of unloading these items on other people with our own garage sale. Economists might call this the "economic salvage spiral of diminishing returns". As the items get older and older and pass from one household to the next the value of usage and the overall $$$ value continues to drop at an alarming rate. The cost of handling, and storage alone makes the entire endeavor a nightmare for the typical home owner.
I have discussed this numerous times with many experts on both sides of the issue. I have discovered that the majority of the time the typical garage sale hobbyist does not usually have a specific agenda or a set shopping list of items that they are seeking to purchase. They enjoy finding something at each sale that stirs up an impulse to buy it right there and right now. About three days later these items turn from garage sale gold into my junk that's old.
Recently, I was notified that my family was going to head out to Orion, Illinois for the annual church rummage sale . That is a fancy name for a junk sale. I wondered to myself what sorts of  "must have " items that would soon be darkening my doorway. To be honest, I cannot recall all of the items purchased that day as they have no value to me and I actually would rather forget the expenditures made in acquiring them. I do however remember the one lone treasure that was purchased that day that I found quite unique.
It was a life like replica of a Brown Beaver (Castor Canadensis) with soft fur and a funny looking expression. I have adopted him and decided that in every 1,000 garage sale trips there just might be a treasure there for me. Who would have ever thought that you could chase down and find a treasured Beaver in Orion, Illinois ??

I can't wait to get out there and see what I can find in the bargain bin.

Catfish

Attacked By Bees

 It was a strange weekend morning and there was something that just was out of balance. I had my ordinary weekend chores list but right from the beginning of the day I felt a sense of evil closing in and around me. The sea was angry that day like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli but who am I kidding this has nothing to do with the sea. It has more to do with my yard and the evil invasion that had taken place the night before. I decided to ignore the feelings of imbalance and cheerfully embarked on the 30 minute adventure to mow my grass. About 25 pulls at the mower, she fired right up and we got jiggy with the mowing in no time. Upon completion I was ready to tidy up and sweep some of the grass clippings from the sidewalk area that leads to the garage. From my vantage point near the garage I noticed some activity around an area in the grass that is approximately 3 feet away from my neighbor's garage. Bumble bees the size of small figs were darting in and out of a hole in the ground and bringing food back and forth to the queen mother. My finely trimmed yard and homeland had been invaded overnight by buzzing yellow devils with stingers and bad attitudes. The uninvited guests had initiated actions that I could not ignore because it was my duty to protect my family and the homeland. I immediately declared war and started to strategize my military response tactics. I had watched many military movies and a few episodes of Police Woman with Angie Dickinson so I was confident that in this war I would prevail victorious. I quickly changed into my combat attire for protection.
A Ted Nugent styled hat, my protective rec specs and the powerful threaded bonds of my Chicago Bears shirt would serve me well for the battle that day. This is my battle uniform of the day.

I also was equipped with a powerful arsenal of domestic household items that would assist me in defeating the yellow and black menace. The greatest and most powerful force within my arsenal was my green shop vac which would be transformed into the Fishman 5000. My initial strategic attack was a plan to take my shop vac over to the entrance hole in the ground and suck the bees into a whirlwind of terror one by one as they entered or exited the hole. This strategy proved to be ineffective as I soon learned that I had underestimated the resourcefulness of my now agitated enemy.
I encountered three main problems during my attack on the bee village. #1, it was mid morning and several of the bees had left the nest in search of food. As I approached the underground hive with the full force of the shop vac the bees rerturned in waves back to defend the nest. #2, I was limited in my assault because the length of the shop vac hose left me too close to the attacking bees and their wicked fury. #3, Upon closer examination my research intelligence indicated that there was more than one hole in the ground. The bees were able to enter or exit from 4 different command posts and now were agitated into full scale alert status. I was unable to manuever the shop vac fast enough to cover the rapid exits and entrances of waves of bees from multiple locations. The battle diagram below illustrates the battle field, my potential escape routes, and the area that was now to be considered as " THE AXIS of EVIL ".

I decided that the shop vac needed some technical improvements. A quick review of the contents of my garage ( munitions supply center) and I found a 6 foot dowel rod that I could use with the shop vac. I secured the dowel rod to the shop vac hose and now I was able to manuever the end of the hose from a safe distance away from the swarming bees. This additional feature greatly improved the funcionality of the everyday shop vac and eventually led to the naming of the " Fishman 5000 ". I have attached a photo for your review along with a photo of some more primitive bee collection devices that are currently being sold as
the "Fishman 1000" available in either pink or blue.

The Fishman 1000 is not as efficient as the upgraded 5000 model but with the proper technique can be used to capture bees. I also found some small pieces of metal tubing that I stuffed with newspaper to block the hollow openings. I used the metal tubing as a ram rod to close off the exit holes one by one and eventually had all the holes blocked off except one. I have included a picture below of the tubing as it was placed into the ground. This left me with one hole to focus on with the Fishman 5000 adapter and I could pick off the bees one by one as they emerged from the hole.

No longer was the  "AXIS of EVIL" any kind of threat. The battle continued for hours but eventually I emerged victorious and my yard and home could once again be considered a "Bee free zone".

My only continuing problem is my dilemma with the Fishman 5000.

Does anyone want to buy a shop vac that is loaded with 3,000 angry bumble bees ?

Mission Accomplished
Your General and C.O.

Driving with One Lane

This is a diagram of one of the roads just next to my house. There are cars parked on the east side of the road and there is only room enough for 1 vehicle to pass however there is traffic coming to this area from both the North and South. My simple little reminders to all the DA's of the world is that if I have the open lane and I am approaching from the North then " I do have the right of way. " It does not mean that if you speed up and jump over to my lane that you are now the owner of my lane. It also does not mean that you do not deserve to receive a few gestures and comments thrown your way as I pass by. If you don't like the gestures and comments then don't drive in my neighborhood and don't act like a DA.

Letter to the Editor 9-8-09

In reference to the speech by our President aimed at motivating our children to do better in school I decided to send a letter to the editor. There was a lot of controversy and politics before the actual speech so it became a bigger side show than it needed to be. In the end I thought it was a good speech. Here is the letter I sent in to the newspaper. As of today it has not been published and due to its length, sarcasm, and humor probably will not run.

Dear Mr. President:

I am a little confused. My 4th grade assignment was to write a letter about education and what it can do for me in the long run but I forgot who was to receive the letter. My mom and dad have been talking to a lot of people on their facebook pages and through text messages on their cell phones. They decided that I should not listen to your speech on Wednesday. Dad called me from his barstool down at the saloon. He spends a lot of time there these days since the current economy shut down his workplace. He says those fancy guys on wall street owe him a beer or two since they destroyed his job and are destroying our future as citizens. Mom told me that I shouldnt listen to your speech because I might get indoctrinated or brainwashed with a socialist agenda aimed at the minds of small children. I am not sure what that means because sometimes I get confused. After all, my mom and dad will let me watch Sponge Bob, The Family Guy, and every new release of the Friday the 13th movies. I guess it is ok to watch all of that stuff because it doesnt indoctrinate me or promote a socialist agenda. I can watch this stuff for hours sometimes even when I try to finish my homework.
Mom and dad didnt vote in the last election but they sure do have a lot of opinions about politics, socialist agendas, and the indoctrination of young minds. They don't talk a lot about education and how important it is for me to stay in school. When I think about my education sometimes I get a little confused. I hope to someday graduate from high school and have a chance to go to college but at this point I don't understand what it will mean to me in the future. Speaking of the future, I hope that someday I will get to meet you if you come to town. In about twelve years I probably will be working at the local fast food restaurant. I will be the one with the Sponge Bob tattoos. I will be working for minimum wage to raise money for my wife and 3 kids. The restaurant may be owned and operated by a foreign government and they may be offering socialized healthcare to all of the workers that have been indoctrinated towards a socialist agenda. If you come up to the drive through window I hope I get your order right because sometimes I get confused.

Good luck and thank you for caring about discussing the future of my education Mr. President. If everything goes all right I might not be so confused about my education and the future of my country.

John Q. Student
4th grade
Anytown USA
 
 
I also have links to some previous letters that I have had published:
 
http://www.qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=455012 about children and making good decisions.
 
http://www.qctimes.com/news/article_23d2e2b7-66c6-5eb4-be4d-31cb4cd5d931.html about the 2002 All Star Game .....
 
ML

Upcoming posts from the fish dome .....

Just like on television you can get a sneak preview of what might be coming in the near future from the fish dome. Here are but a few of the posts that will be coming in the next few days ....

• " Letter to the Editor" -- A new letter and links to previous articles.
• "Rules of the Road and why I should have the right of way."
• "I was attacked by bees and created a new invention."
• "Hunting for Beaver in Orion, IL "
• " The Carmen Electra Syndrome and its downfall "

Check back again for these exciting stories and much much more while we stir
up the dust in the fish dome.

How Do You Name your Blog ??

Welcome to the First Edition of my blog that has been named:

"Stagnant Dust in the Fish Dome". Naming the blog was more difficult than naming my children perhaps because I thought it needed to be perfect in order to accomplish a few goals. #1 it had to inspire me to write and to keep me motivated on the project. #2 it had to inspire others to think and ignite their curiosity. After all, I wasnt going to be writing a blog just for the sake of amusing myself with words pecked out on my keyboard. #3 the name of the blog had to symbolize my goals for creating it in a humorous way that connected me to my past and creatively offerred an opportunity to comment on a variety of subjects. I have always appreciated an intelligent dialogue on the challenges and struggles that we find in life, and during my lifetime my connections to people have positively engaged the stagnant dust particles of my imagination. My high school nickname of "Fish" which was an abbreviated version of "catfish" has stuck with me through my on going connections with friends from high school or college. It is possible that this may not be the most flattering of nicknames but nonetheless it is a strong image that keeps me bonded to acquaintances from my past. So this blog is appropriately named after the collective ideas and thoughts that were lying motionless and stagnant within the small brain of a fish. I hope you enjoy sifting through the dust and that you may find interesting subjects that inspire you in your life or opportunities to contribute to the development of the Fish Dome.
For your review I thought I would include some of the rejected names that I was considering for the blog. During my search for the perfect blog name ( if it exists) I was focused on some common themes. In retrospect I think I was just becoming way to absorbed in trying to make myself look smarter than a dumb old fish. Its funny to look at this list now but I have found that there are literally thousands and thousands of people that are blogging that have had similar thoughts. Its funny that from our own perspectives we think we are so darn smart. Here is my abandoned list with some brief commentary for each.

L'esprit d'escalier: Thinking of a witty remark after the event when it is too late.
Eudamonia: A philosophical term that means overall happiness.
Zeitgeist: The cultural spirit of the times that changes over time.
Vox Populi: A french term that means --  The man in the street.
Spiritus Mundi: The spirit of the world that is linked through a common intelligence.
Weltanschauung: A comprehensive world view.
Under the Bohdi Tree: The place where Buddha became enlightened for his teachings.
Vipassana: Insight into the nature of reality.
The Idiot Savant: A blog from a guy like the Rainman ...
JOATMAN: Jack of all trades-Master of None
ecrit therapie: Written therapy

all of those ideas considered this is how I decided to name my blog: Stagnant Dust in the Fish Dome ...